A Light-bulb Moment
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
Confessions of a Store Santa
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
From guy-sports.com
Did You Dye Your Beard?
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Robert Paul
The Wright Way to Give
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
Steven Wright
Mazel Tov, Mary!
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas Freedom
The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
Better Luck Next Year
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
Insulting Santa
This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
Conan O’Brien
It Beats a Board Meeting
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
@juliussharpe
Scrooge, Junior Grade
Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: “Let’s play Christmas. I’ll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I’ll give you away.”
—Contributed by Mrs. Kenneth Labaugh
Part-Time Work
Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
Ruth Sadeckas, Joelton, Tennessee
No Umbrellas at the North Pole?
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Reindeer Lessons
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That’s right—he was elf taught.
Green Thumb?
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Great White Christmas
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Oh, iGet It
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
What Does December Have…
What does December have that other months don’t have?
The letter D.
Laughing All the Way!
Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?
A: Because there was Noël.
Open Mic Night at the North Pole
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!
Christmas in Eden
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Yule Log
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Yule log.
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?
Gift of The Magi?
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
Anthony Jeselnik
The Truth About Santa
I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.
James Knowles, on topfive.com
‘Tis The Season…Isn’t It?
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
— Louis C.K.
Stop the Presses
These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
Book Given as Gift Actually Read
Gift Exchange
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”
His response: “Receipts.”
Limited Knowledge
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don’t worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?"
Alternate History
My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the inn.”
But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn’t have the heart to turn him down.
“Well,” he said, “if it’s so urgent, come on in.”
The Little Man
A teenager waltzed into our jewelry store to buy a cross for her boyfriend. I showed her a selection, and she pointed to three: "Can I see that one, that one, and the one with the little man on it?"
"Oh," I replied. "You mean Jesus?"
Meet and Greet
Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."
Waiting
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?"
Christmas Eve Service
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”
Entrance to Heaven
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
“They’re Carol’s.”
Into the Church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
Interesting Gifts
For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.
Odd Christmas Visit
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."
Weary Travelers
Worshippers are greeted by these words at the Travelers Rest Church: "Do Not Sit on Steps."
Honest Questions
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”
“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”
Misplaced
A pastor I know of uses a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he enters a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer then finds the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replaces it with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one.
Not long ago, the pastor told the computer to find the name “Mary” and replace it with “Edna.” The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” they read from the preprinted program, “born of the Virgin Edna.”
Quick Clean-up
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
Confessions of a Store Santa
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
From guy-sports.com
Did You Dye Your Beard?
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Robert Paul
The Wright Way to Give
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
Steven Wright
Mazel Tov, Mary!
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz
Christmas Freedom
The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
Better Luck Next Year
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
Insulting Santa
This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
Conan O’Brien
It Beats a Board Meeting
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
@juliussharpe
Scrooge, Junior Grade
Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: “Let’s play Christmas. I’ll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I’ll give you away.”
—Contributed by Mrs. Kenneth Labaugh
Part-Time Work
Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
Ruth Sadeckas, Joelton, Tennessee
No Umbrellas at the North Pole?
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Reindeer Lessons
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That’s right—he was elf taught.
Green Thumb?
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Great White Christmas
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Oh, iGet It
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
What Does December Have…
What does December have that other months don’t have?
The letter D.
Laughing All the Way!
Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?
A: Because there was Noël.
Open Mic Night at the North Pole
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!
Christmas in Eden
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Yule Log
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Yule log.
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?
Gift of The Magi?
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
Anthony Jeselnik
The Truth About Santa
I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.
James Knowles, on topfive.com
‘Tis The Season…Isn’t It?
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
— Louis C.K.
Stop the Presses
These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
Book Given as Gift Actually Read
Gift Exchange
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”
His response: “Receipts.”
Limited Knowledge
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don’t worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?"
Alternate History
My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the inn.”
But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn’t have the heart to turn him down.
“Well,” he said, “if it’s so urgent, come on in.”
The Little Man
A teenager waltzed into our jewelry store to buy a cross for her boyfriend. I showed her a selection, and she pointed to three: "Can I see that one, that one, and the one with the little man on it?"
"Oh," I replied. "You mean Jesus?"
Meet and Greet
Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."
Waiting
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?"
Christmas Eve Service
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”
Entrance to Heaven
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
“They’re Carol’s.”
Into the Church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
Interesting Gifts
For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.
Odd Christmas Visit
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."
Weary Travelers
Worshippers are greeted by these words at the Travelers Rest Church: "Do Not Sit on Steps."
Honest Questions
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”
“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”
Misplaced
A pastor I know of uses a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he enters a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer then finds the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replaces it with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one.
Not long ago, the pastor told the computer to find the name “Mary” and replace it with “Edna.” The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” they read from the preprinted program, “born of the Virgin Edna.”
Quick Clean-up
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
