Politician jokes

POLITICIANS

A Miriam Santiago hugot, pickup lines, jokes and banat lines lists:

Holdaper: Akin na ang pera mo.

Lalaki: Hindi mo ba ako kilala? Isa akong congressman!

Holdaper: ‘Kung ganun, akin na ang pera namin!

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Politics is a word that is a combination of two syllables—’poli’ meaning many, plus ‘ticks’ meaning blood-sucking parasites.

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Para isa ibang tao, ang high blood pressure nila congenital, meaning nanggaling sa magulang. Sa akin, iba naman, ang high blood pressure ko ay political.

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The problem with political jokes is that they always get elected.

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What is the difference between Philippine government and the mafia? The answer: One of them is organized.

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The brain of a Filipino politician has two sides: the left has nothing right in it, the right has nothing left in it.

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Anong tawag ‘pag nagtapon ka ng basura sa dagat? Sagot: Pollution

Ano naman ang tawag kapag tinapon mo sa dagat ang mga pulitikong kurakot? Sagot: Solution.

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Kapag nagsinungaling ka sa congressman o senador, kakasuhan ka na ng perjury, may jail term ka pa.

Pero kapag ang congressman o senador nagsinungaling sa iyo, ginagawa na nila ang trabaho nila, magkakaroon pa sila ng bagong term.

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How to tell if a politician is telling the truth:

Whenever he’s crossing his arms, he may be telling the truth.

Whenever he’s stoking his chin, he might be telling the truth.

Whenever he looks at you straight in the eyes, he might be telling the truth.

But when he opens his mouth, he is lying.

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There was a study on the connection between government employees and the sport they play.

Ang paborito raw sport ng entry-level government employees ay basketball. Kapag lower management position na, ang paborito raw nila ay bowling. Kapag upper management naman, paborito raw nila ay tennis. Ang paborito raw na sport ng high-level government officials is golf.

The study then made this conclusion, kapag tumataas ang posisyon mo sa gobyerno, lumiliit ang balls mo.

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May 3 doktor, pinag-uusapan [nila] kung anong pasyente ang pinakamadaling operahan. Sabi ng isa: Electricians – everything inside them is color-coded.

Sabi ng pangalawang doctor: Librarians – everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

Sabi ng pangatlo, pulitiko ang pinakamadali: They have no brains. They have no guts. They have no hearts. And they have no balls.

Top 3 na pinakasinungaling na trabaho sa Pilipinas:

No. 3: Beautician: Sasabihin nilang maganda ang customer kahit hindi naman talaga.

No. 2: Konduktor ng jeep: Sasabihin niya na dalawa pa ang kasya kahit puno na.

And last and the most prolific of all these liars, No.1: Pulitiko. That’s the end of the story.

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One time I met a politician and I said as a joke…

Me: Balita ko, meron ka raw kulasisi na 18 years old.

Politician: Lumang balita na yan. 28 years old na siya ngayon.

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May isang pulitiko na lumapit sa isang psychiatrist.

Ang sabi niya, “Dok, tulungan mo po ako. Tuwing nakakatanggap po ako ng pork barrel, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na nakawin ito. Nagi-guilty po ako at nade-depress nang malala at matagal dahil dito.”

Ang sabi ng psychiatrist: “Sige, tutulungan kitang magkaroon ng self-control para hindi ka na magnakaw sa taumbayan.”

Sumagot ang pulitiko: “Dok, huwag po! Gusto kong tulungan niyo ako para hindi na ako ma-guilty at ma-depress.”

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Sabi ng isang survey, 25 percent ng mga pulitiko daw ay umiinom ng medication para sa kanilang mental illness.

Malaking problema ito. Ibig sabihin 75 percent ay hindi umiinom ng gamot.