Funny and Catchy Random Quotes by Miriam

FUNNY AND CATCHY RANDOM QUOTES

(Nakakatawang sari-saring jokes)

By Miriam Santiago, a complete list (more to come):

Kung pangit ka mahilig kang mag-selfie, sabihin mo na lang lahat ng pictures mo ay wacky.

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Kapag magse-selfie, siguraduhin mong hindi maputi ang mukha tapos maitim naman ang leeg mo. Dapat din hindi sobrang puti ang katawan tapos maitim naman ang kilikili. Tandan mo tao ka, hindi ka Zebra.

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Ang LOVE parang bayad sa dyip. Minsan nasusuklian.

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Alam niyo ba ang iba pang tawag sa Valentine’s day? Para sa malungkot na single,ang tawag dito ay Single’s Awareness Day. Para sa mga masaya na single, ang tawag dito ay Single’s Independence Day. Pero sa mga walang pakialam, ang tawag dito ay (insert day where Valentine’s day falls).

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Did you know that an earthworm has five hearts, whereas an octopus has two hearts? Kaya kung may kilala ka na nagmamahal ng higit sa dalawa, tanungin mo kung anong klaseng hayop sila.

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Kapag ikaw ay nagmamahal pero sasaktan mo rin lang naman, hamunin mo na lang ng suntukan.

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Ang taong nagmamahal nang tunay ay parang matalinong estudyante na kumukuha ng exam. Hindi siya tumitingin sa iba kahit nahihirapan na.

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Para sa mga single, umuwi nang maaga mula sa school o sa trabaho para isipin nila may date ka.

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Ang crush, parang math problem, kung hindi mo makuha, titigan mo na lang.

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Minsan may nanligaw sa akin at nagyabang, “Nasa dugo talaga namin ang pagiging guwapo.” Sumagot ako, “bakit nasa dugo lang, bakit hindi napunta ang pagiging guwapo sa mukha mo?”

Pagkatapos sinabi ko sa kanya, “Cup noodles ka ba? Gusto kasi kitang buhusan ng kumukulong tubig.”

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Gaano katalino ang mga estudyante ng (insert school here)? Common sense pa lang ninyo, IQ na ng ibang mga senador.

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When the cashier at the grocery said, “Miss, pwedeng candy na lang ang sukli ko sa iyo?” I answered “Bakit, tsokolate ba ang ibinayad ko?”

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Hindi ko sinasabing maganda ako, ang sinasabi ko lang pangit ka.

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When someone told me “ang ganda mo”, I answered “sana ikaw rin”

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It is very important that you should choose the person you will marry and stay with that person.

There are many people now who believe in serial love, loving one person after another. I don’t think that is good for our mental health. I think we should get it over with.

Love is like measles, you know. You only get it once in your lifetime and you are immune forever. I am very happy to say that is what happened to me.

I am completely immune to any temptation. All men who have passed my life after I got married might as well have been sticks of furniture.

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I don’t ride roughshod over him. I don’t care where he goes at night, he doesn’t have to call me with his itinerary. I just presume that he’s going to be loyal to his marriage vows. And I’ve been extremely faithful to my husband.

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Maybe if I were 20 years younger, or maybe if I am as young as Heart Evangelista, it would be endearing to kiss in public. But to do that at my age would just be disgusting.

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We never see each other….sometimes I am surprised that I married such a good looking (man) because I hardly can see him. I sort of got surprised when we see each other in the corridor. In other words, we don’t grit down each others’ neck.

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“Sir, I remind you that as the Commissioner of Immigration and Deportation, I represent the majesty of the Republic of the Philippines. You have the obligation to show respect and courtesy to me. Now shut up, or I’ll knock your teeth off!”

(To an alien criminal suspect who raised his voice to interrupt her during a televised press conference.)

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“I will not spend my adult life answering obviously false charges. But I will exert every effort to resist the charge that I lack sex appeal.”

(Of the charges filed against her by several CID employees whom she disciplined for graft and corruption.)

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What is the record of actual courtroom experience of my enemies, not every dimwit can claim ‘trial practice,’ which calls for the special rules on trial technique and procedure. And what is the basis for all the pious nonsense about judicial behavior, from people who have never seen a courtroom, or read jurisprudence?

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I am aghast and postal that a party in litigation and the sub-mental cretins who are my enemies have the gall to demand the power to control the personality of the judge. To educate the non-educable, it is the judge who controls the proceedings.

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May I just make a point of grammar please? The Bible does not say, “Go out to the world.” It sounds very much like God is encouraging us to go out and copulate in public.

God said in the Bible, “Go forth and multiply.” That meant that God wanted man, not necessarily to literally multiply, but to go out to work with the rest of the human beings of this planet and to apply the stewardship theory. Meaning to say, taking care of each other, who are all in the planet living together.

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They are quoting Jesus ? But none of them were living when He was around plus they’re quoting God but the Bible says no one has ever seen God. In fact, if we claimed to have seen God, as I said, you are in urgent need of psychiatric care.

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“Please don’t treat me as a mere observer. I am a judge in this proceeding! In any trial court, … you should not speak, you should not take any behavior at all unless with the consent of the presiding judge. Don’t drown me out by screaming in this courtroom! Only I can scream here and my fellow judges!” (Scolding private prosecutor Arthur Lim)

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You know, if you shut down all the TV cameras, the proceedings will be finished in one week, but people want more than 15 [minutes] of fame.

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How many witnesses do you intend to present? You don’t even have any idea? You come to court prepared! You do not waste the time of this court!